Meet Me, Meet Susan

Although she didn’t have a name, Susan has been with me through my entire life. Not in the sense of a multiple personality disorder, but more as a distinct part of my own personality.
Susan was named by a man I dated briefly in late 2009. While we were dating I was battling a depressive episode and picked up a few books on overcoming depression. One of those books talked about naming the inner voice of insecurity at the root of depression as a means of being able to reason with the voice. As we went through a messy breakup (well, messy for me), one day I was on the phone with “Mark,” and he made the statement, “I like you. It’s Susan I can’t stand.” And with that, Susan had a name. I don’t know why he chose the name Susan, but considering that he’d become very well acquainted with her, Mark was certainly entitled to pick any name he wanted.
As I mentioned already, even though she has only been known by name for a few years, there’s no doubt that many people in my life met Susan decades ago. Susan was directly responsible for my first round of anti-depressants, after my then boyfriend complained that I was “psycho” (in all fairness, my behavior was definitely extreme enough to objectively call my sanity into question). Even before that, Susan wreaked havoc on almost all of my relationships–friends, family, boyfriends–no one was safe from her melodramatic tears or her unmerciful wrath.
Oddly enough, Mark is the last person to encounter Susan, about three years ago. I would love to say that naming her gave me the power to reason with her and that she’s no longer contributing to my emotional turmoil. Unfortunately, the more likely explanation is that she’s been bound and gagged as part of my emotional shutdown. Judging from my most recent ups and downs, I suspect she’s in the process of freeing herself and getting ready to unleash her hellfire. I’ve already put aside my long-term skepticism and made an appointment to start seeing a new therapist. One of my greatest hopes in writing these posts is to channel some of this negative energy in a positive way.

3 thoughts on “Meet Me, Meet Susan

  1. Ack, been there, done that. What’s the saying? Sometimes I fight my inner demons, sometimes we just snuggle and watch tv.

  2. Mark was not really in any position to make any comments or judgments, considering his own issues. I have read several of your blog posts today, and I hope they are providing as much healing as your therapy appointments are. It takes courage to air your private issues in a public forum.

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