Make a Joyful Noise Unto The Lord: Christmas Party Special

This weekend was our choir Christmas party. My parents predicted that the party should be good for a post or two, and they were right.

You know this isn’t some stuffy old party when members of the hostess’s family comment about how out of control things got last year (and pretty much every year before that). As I mentioned in my last choir post, it’s the church choir people you have to look out for. The liquor flowed freely, and the snide comments followed soon after.

I no sooner entered the house when I began to think I stepped into the Twilight Zone. First, I was approached by a woman who has always only had nasty things to say to me. She complimented me on my eye makeup. Twice. WTF?! I told my director about it and he was equally stunned. I’m actually convinced that hell froze over at that moment.

A less than surprising conversation followed a bit later. I somehow ended up talking to a man that I cannot stand (he’s one of the people trying to get into the director’s pants and one of my jobs at choir parties is to make sure that he is never left alone in the same room as my director). So I’m playing nice and said something about how I was having problems with my neck. And “Leonard” starts to ask me what I did about it and then interrupted me when I started to tell him. Then, he asked me what was wrong with my neck and I told him about the multiple bulging discs. Leonard again interrupts and says that I must be wrong because there are only 5 cervical vertebrae. Seriously?? He knows I work in a hospital, but he still argues when I try to correct him. I bit my tongue, rather than calling him a stupid asshole, only because the liquor had not quite flowed enough by then to not have caused a huge scene (however, Leonard will be bequeathed with a labeled and highlighted diagram of the spine at out next rehearsal because I enjoy nothing more than calling out stupid people on their stupidity).

Dinner was finished much earlier than usual this year, so we began the gift exchange at a reasonable hour. The gift giving/entertainment portion of the night always goes the same way. First, we sing a Christmas carol parody written by the director. Then the choir presents the priest with his gift, the director presents the choir members with their gifts, and the choir presents the director with his gift.

This year, we were given the “X-rated” version of the 12 Days of (Choir) Christmas. Highlights included 11 embarrassing erections, 6 spanking sessions and 5 fisting firsts (sopranos). After this, it should come as no surprise that the choir gift to the priest this year was a set of whiskey glasses engraved with the seven deadly sins. I suspect out priest is used to doing the see no evil, hear no evil thing at our parties. After all, last year he heard me tell another woman about my strong desire to punch a woman in the other choir in her head. Of course, to the priest’s credit(?), once I explained who it was that I wanted to punch, he completely understood and agreed that she was crazy. Now that’s how you know someone is crazy–when even the priest can understand your urge to punch that person in the head.

After all the gifts are exchanged, most people leave. Those that remain sing some Christmas carols, followed by a brief, drunken rehearsal of some of our Christmas pieces. Normally I try to stay until the bitter end, but with the impending snow storm, I needed to still do some grocery shopping, so I sadly cannot report on the remainder of the night, although I heard about a few of the highlights. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens next year…

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