A lot has changed in the two months since I started this blog–especially in my own head. That’s right, Susan is back and she’s better than ever. Or in other words, she’s every bit the F.I.N.E bitch she was before.
And I’m having very mixed feelings about her very unsubtle entrance back into my life. If you need a quick introduction to Susan, please refer to my previous post “Meet Me, Meet Susan.” So when “Mark” named Susan and explained that she was the reason he couldn’t date me, my mission in life was to obliterate Susan. Not just keep her silently placated, or even permanently bound and gagged in a dark corner of my brain. I wanted her fully disappeared.
Then a funny thing happened. I don’t know if she was placated, gagged, or just decided to take her leave and vacation in Europe, but Susan became suddenly quiet. But with Susan quiet, I eventually just shut down altogether emotionally. And from there it wasn’t a big leap to the depressive episode that marked the last 15 months of my life. The only thing was, I was depressed and still emotionally empty. I couldn’t even cry more than a couple of tears, even when I wanted to.
So off to the doctor I eventually went. First up was the antidepressant. Verdict- seemed to help my mood, but I was suddenly suffering from chronic insomnia. Next up- the mood stabilizer. Verdict- still unable to determine because it’s too soon. How do they seriously expect crazy people to manage 4-6 weeks before they even start to know if their medication is working??
In this time, I’ve been working on keeping my goals that I set, and I’m seeing positive changes in my life. However, I’m also dealing with more work stress than normal and attempting to venture back into the dating pool as an overweight nutcase (can’t you just see the men lining up now?).
It started small. A couple of weeks ago I felt like I needed to cry and I was finally able to cry. And then I started noticing that my mood was becoming increasingly foul. But I chalked it up to work stress. And then there was tonight. I had a feeling that she was back, especially over the last few days. I could feel my moods swing wildly from one moment to the next. But I was happy to finally be feeling something again. I appreciated the highs, and even the lows, because I felt so hollow for so long. And then the bitch crossed the line tonight.
Even during my worst episodes, I’ve always done my best to not let Susan interact with most of my friends. And I like to think I was pretty successful in my endeavor. But tonight Susan decided to introduce herself to the last person on earth I wanted her anywhere near–my friend Dave (see previous post “Friends and Lovers” for the full scoop on Dave). It was just like before. She came without warning and did her damage. Then left me with an entire car ride home to sit and agonize over the realization of what she’d done.
So I’ll be honest, right now I really don’t know what I want anymore. I hated the hollow emotionless void I lived in for the last year, but if escaping that void means spending the rest of my life trying to survive this wild pendulum of feelings, not to mention Susan coming back to further destroy the close relationships that she didn’t manage to torpedo last time… Well, I don’t know which is the lesser of two evils.